


Comfort Zone

by Nikky_the_writer



Category: AU - Fandom, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-12 10:40:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16871431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikky_the_writer/pseuds/Nikky_the_writer
Summary: Reader is an anxious person that feels comfortable only in the company of her dog and sometimes her best friend. She always has to stick to her weekly schedule, when she doesn’t she gets the feeling like everything is falling apart. So, what will happen when her friend persuades her to have a one night stand? - AUWarnings: cursing,depression, talks about anxiety,  mentions of a bad first time, a bit of smut, nsfw,  talk about an accident





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on my Tumblr: @nikky-the-writter

There was something different about you from since you were just a child, people thought that it was because you were still adapting to the different environment after the adoption. Your father was first to notice the lack of eye contact when you would talk to someone, how your hands were shaking and how your eyes were searching for the closest door for quick exit. You mother said that is just because you are not around people much and that it will get better in time, but your father knew better, it was the signs of anxiety, he himself was very familiar with it.

Tony could see the clear difference in you from any other kid. You hated to go outside, you did like nature, but something about being outside of your room and house frightened you, being close to people made you anxious and you even had a problem with speaking when you were younger. That problem with speaking actually wasn’t even a problem, you could talk with your parents normally and just a few more people, but with anybody else, you would start losing your words. Your mother, Maria insisted that you will be alright when Tony a few years later suggested talking with a doctor about it. He knew that you weren’t sick, but he needed somebody’s advice in how to help you adapt to new things and people because he was sure that it will get even worse when you grow up, but that only led him to the biggest fight with your mother. Maria divorced Tony not long after insisting on full custody. He was devastated because he only wanted to help his only child and he was forced by the judge to not contact you. At the time you were around twelve years old, only having one friend and everyday battle with your mother for not wanting to leave the house to go to school. Tony was the only person then that could calm you down because he knew how it feels to deal with anxiety and general fear of leaving the only place where you were feeling comfortable. He would drive you to school every day, on some days he would leave you there if you were feeling good enough to stay, on other days he would take you to the park where you would sit on the bench eating ice cream, but it all changed after divorce. You couldn’t see your own father, he fought so hard, however, your mother easily won claiming that he is not fit to be a parent because he doesn’t take you to school and that he is never around when you came home due to his job.

Until you turned eighteen you thought that your father abandoned you because you were probably too much to handle, and you could understand him. There was never sign of him, nothing and when you would ask your mother she told you that he wanted to place you in the hospital, it broke your heart.

Your mother died not long after your eighteen birthday, you never left home for college. You worked from home mostly painting and selling your art sometimes even designing and when Natasha your best friend started her own business as a wedding planner a few years later she wanted you to work with her knowing how creative and organized you were. So you decided to move to be closer to work although Natasha at first didn’t insist on you coming to the office knowing that you can do everything from home, but before you moved you had to pack your things. You decided in not selling your house where you lived with your mother, but you decided to go through her things to look at the memories and that day didn’t go as well as you hoped for it. In her closet, you found a large box that was filled with letters and toys. Toys that you have never seen and the letters with your name on them, the same as those that started coming after your mother died and as it seemed they were coming even before then.

For the first time in your life, you were hospitalized that day after somebody called police because of the noise and cracking sounds that were coming from your house.

* * *

 

_˝How are you feeling Miss Hill?˝ Somebody asked you, but you didn’t look up from where your hands were tied to your bed._

_˝It’s Stark ˝, you whispered._

_˝What did you say?˝ The man asked coming closer to your bed._

_˝I asked why am I tied down.˝ You looked at the machine next to your bed where you could see your heartbeats and the sound irritated you._

_˝The officers that brought you in said that you are dangerous to others and a danger to yourself.˝_

_˝I am not.˝ You stated titling your head to the side where a tall man stood with his hands crossed over his chest. ˝You are afraid of me.˝_

_˝I’m not afraid of you Miss Hill.˝ He stated calmly moving his hands to the side._

_˝ My surname is not Hill and you were being defensive with the way you held your hands. My mother used to hold her hands like that when she was arguing with my father, but she was mostly passive aggressive. So why do you keep your hands like that?˝ You spoke quickly although your mouth was dry and lips chapped._

_˝Why are you trying to move the focus on me?˝_

_˝Because whatever I say or do, you will say I’m crazy, so why should I even fight it? My whole life I was told that my place is in a looney-bin. Why would you be any different?˝ Closing your eyes you exhaled trying to loosen the strips on your wrist that made you uncomfortable, soon after you felt relief when your hands were untied._

_˝You are not crazy, I talked to Miss Romanoff, but you do need help.˝_

_˝For the past few years I’ve been completely on my own and I’ve been alright, sir.˝_

_˝T’Challa˝, he stated and you just stared at him confused._

_˝Is that a name or a surname?˝_

_˝It is my name; I am actually a psychiatrist that your friend hired for after you move from this town. She actually called me to come here Miss H…˝_

_˝It’s Stark.˝ You cut him of not wanting to hear your mother’s last name after you found out what she did. All the time she tried to treat you like any other child leaving you at school when you felt like throwing up even doing so numerous times and she still didn’t try to talk to you like your father used to do._

_˝Why Stark?˝ He asked genuine curious because Natasha didn’t mention it before._

_You sat up on the hospital bed looking for your clothes, but you stopped feeling his hand on your shoulder. You flinched at the touch standing up. ˝Don’t touch me.˝_

_˝I apologize, but you seemed lost for a moment.˝_

_˝My father is Tony Stark; it was because of him that I destroyed half of the house.˝_

_˝Why is that?˝ T’Challa sat on the edge of the bed with his back to you while you put your clothes on._

_˝Half of my life my mother was telling me that my father abandoned me because of my problems, but it seems that he was only one that cared for me to get better. She lied and I lost so many years away from him. I don’t even know him now.˝_

_˝I am sorry to hear that, but your mother probably thought that that was the best for you.˝ He lifted his head up when you stood in front of him._

_˝You don’t understand what she did to me. She would leave me in school while I would have a panic attack, my teacher would think that I was pretending. You can’t imagine how many times I collapsed in school after I couldn’t breathe. At the moment I am only breathing normally because you sedated me.˝_

_˝Miss Stark if you let me help you I could try to..˝_

_˝What, prescribe me pills, drug me? I don’t think so. I’m going home now; I need a few days to calm down before moving away. God, I wish that I could set the house on fire, to burn all those lies˝, you mumbled under your breath before heading to the door._

_˝You have to stay in here for 48 hours o…˝_

_˝No, I don’t think so. I maybe, not maybe, actually I have problems in interactions with people, but when you have money no words are really needed and my bank account is intact with my money and what my father put in. So, I am good. Thank you for pretending that you care.˝_

_You left the hospital as you said you are going to; you didn’t even have to talk to anyone just sneaking out with Natasha who was against it but helped you without a question._

* * *

**_Two days later_ **

_˝And every time you hurt me t..˝, you sang along the song from Sam Smith ignoring the doorbell. ˝God, that’s high˝, you laughed after trying to sing a high note. However, your laughter died out when you heard the front door open. ˝Shit…I’m going to die and I didn’t even go outside.˝ You were already in such a poor mood that you just automatically stood from the kitchen floor where you were placing some things in the boxes grabbing a knife and heading to the living room that was closest to the front door._

_˝Y/N?˝_

_Your heart almost stopped when you heard his voice. You thought that you have forgotten how it sounded, but apparently, you didn’t. ˝Dad?˝ Turning around slowly you let the knife fall to the ground as you ran into your father’s arms, but you quickly stopped yourself from crushing him when you saw a little puppy in his hands. You didn’t even realize that you were crying until you felt tears rolling down your chin. ˝I..I˝, you couldn’t find words which never happened to you with your father._

_Tony was reluctant in approaching you, he wanted you to make the first step, but you only lowered your body to the ground._

_˝I’m sorry. I…˝_

_˝Y/N, you didn’t do anything wrong.˝ He sat down next to you handing you the puppy that you placed against your chest hugging it._

_˝But I have. After mom died, when the letter came, I never opened any of them.˝ You confessed leaning your head on his shoulder._

_˝Y/N, I sent you letters since I left. Ho..˝_

_˝I know, I mean I didn’t know since three days ago, but I still didn’t open those that came after.˝ You fidget with your fingers while the puppy licked the tears from your jaw._

_˝Maria never showed them to you.˝_

_˝No, I found them in the box with all the birthday gifts. I thought you abandoned me and then I found out that my mother sent away the only person that cared for me. I hated you because of her, all these years and now I am moving away. You paid for the floor for the office, right, I know that Nat would never rent a place so low to the ground?˝_

_Tony smiled moving his hand around your shoulder. ˝I sent her the contract in her name, already paid so she took it because I know that you hate elevators and this is only a few steps up and that’s it.˝_

_˝You remember?˝_

_˝Of course I do. I fought for you and everything that I did for your mental health they saw as child neglect. I hired the best people and I lost.˝ He confessed staring at the gray wall in front of you. There used to stand framed photos, but you broke them all a few days ago._

_˝I would choose you, you know that, right?˝_

_˝Yeah I do.˝ He moved closer to you placing a kiss on your forehead._

_˝And Alfie also knows it.˝_

_˝Alfie? That’s how you are going to call him?˝ He asked patting a small brown boxer._

_˝Yeah.˝_

 

 

* * *

˝Alfie? Alfie?˝ You mumbled after failing to find him in your bed. He was a large dog so the search shouldn’t be really long, but it surprised you that he wasn’t next to you. He never wakes up before you, he is one lazy dog, but who are you to judge him.

˝Alf, come on?˝ You were too tired to get up from the bed, but you had to know if he has to go out and if he doesn’t you will get up for nothing.

Your thoughts were interrupted by a crash that came from the kitchen. You were quick on your feet already cursing and hoping that he didn’t break anything. ˝Alfie, what are you doing?˝ You saw him eating his food from the hardwood floor and a moment later Natasha stood up from the behind the kitchen island apologizing.

˝Look, sorry about Fred’s food, I will..˝

˝Fred? His name is Alfie and I’ve been telling you that for years.˝ You petted Alfie’s head before sating down on the ground cleaning the mess.

˝Why Alfie, it’s so stupid?˝

˝You wanted me to call him after Fred Flintstone.˝ You exclaimed after putting food back in the bag not wanting for Alfie to eat too much.

˝So you named him after old grumpy Jew from the 19th century?˝

˝No, I didn’t.˝

Natasha watched you confused, knowing what you told her. ˝Yes, you did.˝

˝He is from the 20th century and he is amazing, so shut up.˝ You finally got up from the cold ground letting Alfie eat what remained on the floor.

˝You should stop binge watch shows. It’s not good for you to do that; your mind goes nuts when you just stare at the screen.˝

˝Yeah, I know. And that is why I watch Tom Hardy. You can’t really think about anything else when he is on the screen.˝ You smiled while she turned her back to you as she searched through your cupboards for food.

˝Look, he is hot. I get it, but you should stay in reality. Search for real guys. ˝

˝You can’t be serious˝, you were walking away to your room to take a shower, but before you closed the door you yelled. ˝Not after what happened the last time. I learn from my mistakes.˝


	2. Chapter 2

There weren’t a lot of places where you felt comfortable or safe and your home was maybe the only place that could make you feel relaxed. However, that was not where you were at the moment. No, Natasha made a deal with you; actually, it was just her forcing you to go outside. Now you were sited next to the glass window that could not be open, but luckily you were only on the second floor of the building so it was pretty low to the ground. 

You were keeping your legs stretched before you on the small bench while Alfie is lying across your legs with his head on your thighs. You didn’t do anything else except staring out the window; you didn’t even take in what you were seeing, but only staring blankly. Natasha wasn’t aware that you had it in you to go like that against her, she only joked when she was trying to persuade you to stay at the office telling you that you can stare out the window that she doesn’t care. You took her on that silently protesting, however, Natasha still took it as a win because now you were at least leaving your home.

* * *

However sometimes Natasha had other ideas with which you never agreed, but still followed her and that was why a few hours later you were sitting in the crowded bar.

˝Can you tell me why you had to drag me here?˝ Observing your surroundings your eyes moved from half drunken people who were sitting on the wooden chairs to the owner of the bar, Clint. He waved with a smile on his face and you shyly waved back. Clint was one of Natasha’s close friends and he was always good to you, letting you to bring Alfie inside.

˝You need to find a guy.˝ It was the only thing she said before taking another sip of the red wine.

˝Why do I need a guy?˝ Petting Alfie’s head that was in your lap you waited for her answer already tired of the conversation.

˝I’m not talking about a relationship, just a good fuck is all you need.˝  You almost choked on the water you were drinking remembering what happened the last time. ˝Yeah, that will change my life,˝ you said after wiping away a few drops of water that rested on your chin.

˝Be honest,˝ Natasha placed her glass down eying you. ˝When was the last time you were with someone?˝

It didn’t take you long to respond, you knew the answer as if it was a definition of an important term. ˝22 months ago, the first and the last time.˝

Natasha chuckled loudly thinking that you were joking, but after your face staid void of amusement, she had to ask. ˝You are joking, right? You told me a few times that you were having a sleepover, that’s a code!˝

˝A code?˝ you stared at her as a confused child with your brows furrowed and a slight pout gracing your lips. Your voice was much quieter than hers not wanting to draw attention to yourself, but Natasha’s laugh and Alfie presence did just the opposite.

˝Yes.˝

˝For what?˝ You were unsure if you should even ask her not wanting for her to look at you if you had grown another head.

˝Having sex,˝ she said nonchalantly, but a bit louder drawing attention to your table causing you to sink further into your chair on which Alfie moved his head down lying next to your feet.

˝No,˝ shaking your head you started explaining what it means. ˝That code for me means that Alfie and I are binge watching a new show in my bed and for normal people; it means that friends are sleeping at their place. Sleepovers are innocent.˝

˝Not the ones where I was invited,˝ she tilted her head to the side motioning for Clint to bring you more drinks.

˝How is a sleepover having sex?˝

Clint was already at your table when you asked the question and he chuckled to himself. He liked your personality and your innocents and he always had a need to protect you.

˝Look if any guy ever suggests you that, turn him down, alright? They are probably like Nat and you don’t want that.˝ Clint said looking at you and ignoring your best friends shocked expression.

˝I still don’t get it. It ends with crying, no sleepover should end like that.˝

Clint’s eyes went wide after hearing the words you said. But he quickly left your table to serve other patrons although he wanted to know what happened.

After Clint retreated from your table Natasha finally looked your way with her brow raised waiting for an explanation.

˝When I had sex with the guy I knew, a friend who is not my friend anymore because he said that I offended him, I cried.˝

˝When?˝ She leaned closer to you with the table between you.

˝He was still inside me.˝

Natasha started laughing like crazy and you dropped your head to the hard surface of the table reaching out for Alfie while letting out a groan from annoyance.

˝I could arrange something for you, Erik is single.˝

Hearing his name you quickly raised your head. ˝You make it sound as if he is a prostitute.˝

˝He is not,˝ she shrugged.

˝But he is still your fiancé’s cousin, so that’s a no.˝

˝Then choose someone here and leave with them. I will take Alfie home.˝

Your eyes got wider hoping that she was just joking. ˝Why?˝

˝You are a mess.˝ It was here answer without any more explaining.

˝I know that, thank you very much. Don’t forget that I’m also a lovely package filled to the brim with anxiety,˝ you forced a cheerful voice causing Nat to roll her eyes.

˝You are cute.˝

˝Why cute? I always say that to Alfie, he is cute. Well, he really is cu-˝

˝Oh, God. Just go, but first, drink up.˝ Natasha pushed the glass with clear liquid closer to you and you took it. Suspiciously looking at the small glass you hesitate to drink it, but you did after few moments regretting it immediately as it burned your throat. Quickly after it, Natasha forced you out of your chair, taking your things you carefully walked away towards the only guy that looked familiar to you in the crowded bar.

* * *

˝Hi,˝ your voice was quiet as you tried not to look at the guy in front of you. Surprised that he even heard you, you tried to force the best smile that you could, hoping that it wasn’t looking as if you were uncomfortable which you were.

You prayed to anyone that was willing to answer you for the guy that was sitting at the bar to say something, however, he only smiled. You were quite sure that at least his smile wasn’t looking as if it was forced. He gazed at you with piercing eyes, it seemed like he could see your soul and it made your heart flutter.

˝Can I sit?˝ You managed to say after too long being in silence, which wasn’t really long but to you seemed like hours passed by as you were lost in his eyes.

˝Yeah, of course.˝ He was surprised that you even asked him. He thought that you just wanted to sit down and drink alone, but when you sat, you turned your body towards him.

˝You don’t mind if I drink with you?˝ You shyly asked trying to be confident but failing badly.  

˝Not at all, what are you drinking?˝ His smile reached all the way to his eyes as he observed your every move since you sat next to him.

˝Water,˝ although you were unsure if you should take something strong you stay with water hoping that you won’t regret it later.

˝You are not much of a drinker?˝ He commented and you nodded.

˝Not really, I feel weird when I drink, like I don’t have control over myself and I hate being out of control.˝

˝That’s understandable.˝ He moved his hand through his long strands as he listened you talk.

You were actually surprised how easy was to talk to him. His name was Bucky and he was interesting and funny, a bit of an introvert like yourself, but you both managed to open up to each other and quickly your forced smile was replaced by a real one.

Time ran quickly while you both talked about everything and nothing. And finally with a bit of a courage that you gathered, you were positive that you could ask him to sleep with you, but of course, it didn’t really go the way you thought it would at first.

˝You should go…˝ you realized your mistake in the same moment the words left your lips.

˝I thought that w-˝ before he could say anything else you cut him off while almost falling off your chair.

˝With me, you know,˝ you managed to say seeing as the smile returned back to his face. ˝We should go to your place and have sex.˝ You were already on your feet recovering your ego from almost falling hoping that nothing else would go wrong today.

He stared at you as if he didn’t understand what you just proposed him. But after he saw that you weren’t joking or anything he nodded. He really connected with you, but he had to be sure you wanted it ‘cause he could see how you hesitated for a second and he would be happy to go slow with you.

˝Are you sure you want this?˝ He placed his hands in the pockets of his coat after putting it on and waiting for your answer.

˝Yeah, no, I’m just thinking about Alfie.˝ You tried to remember if Natasha even had food for dogs at her place and if her fiancé will be alright with Alfie staying, but you dismissed the last on remembering that he is visiting his family.

˝Is he your boyfriend?˝

Bucky’s voice brought you back to your thoughts and for a moment you were stuck in the place trying to focus on the answer, actually trying to remember the question, however when you did you almost shouted the first word. ˝Dog,˝ lowering your head you whispered the rest of the sentence and due to your quiet voice, Bucky had to leaned closer to you to hear you. ˝He is my dog. He gets anxious without me, can’t even leave the apartment without me, but he will be fine I think. He won’t be alone.˝

˝We could always-˝ He wanted you to know that there was no rush or pressure on you two that you could meet again tomorrow, to go on a few more dates or something like that. He wasn’t really a guy who sleeps with someone on a first date and this wasn’t even that. In the last three years, you were actually the only girl he connected to and he didn’t want to say no scared that you would see that as him rejecting you so he agreed with the hope that it will lead to a relationship, but he couldn’t be more oblivious to your decision.

˝No, let’s go.˝ You took his hand in yours leading him to the doors only looking back to see Alfie staring at you. It seemed to you that he was judging you with those big eyes and a wet nose, but you tried to forget about him for one night. You wished that this night won’t be a total nightmare.


	3. Chapter 3

There were a lot of things in your life that you couldn’t understand because you have never experienced those things. The same thing was with sex or lovemaking as some people would call it. To you, that was something not understandable because from your first experience it was something terrible, something that you never wanted to do again. 

However, you reluctantly agreed with Nat, but not because of the same reasons, of course, that it wasn’t the same reasons. She wanted you to do it because she believed that it will help you to get loose or to get more relaxed with being next to other people, but your reason was doubt. You doubted your first experience because at that time you weren’t in the right state of mind, you still weren’t but you were getting better, Nat helped you, your dad, Alfie, and your psychiatrist.

What happened to you the first time was merely caused by your lack of judgment and you being oblivious to the fact that you couldn’t control your anxiety no matter what you thought or your then friend told you. You weren’t even interested in him in that way and till this day you didn’t know why you did it. This time it was a bit different from the last time, this time Nat did push you to do it, but you were genuinely interested in Bucky. You were aware that person much more different and more social than you would try to be something more to the guy like him, but you couldn’t see that kind of scenario with yourself. It was something that deep inside you, you wanted, but you knew that it was unreachable for you. That was why you let yourself to be with him. You wanted at least a normal experience with someone and it seemed that he was that someone.

He didn’t push you on doing anything like your friend did, which you knew was wrong from your friend, but since the moment you two started you wanted for it to finish, however, you were too uncomfortable to even tell him to stop. With him, you couldn’t even raise your voice and that was why you started crying and having an anxiety attack which resulted in your friend leaving not even making sure that you were alright. But Bucky….

Bucky was gentle and slow wanting to savor every moment with you. From the second you entered his apartment and from your first kiss, he would ask you if you were comfortable. He would slowly caress your skin with the tips of his fingers while kissing you. He made you feel special and precious which nobody ever made you feel in that way. He made you smile even giggle a few times and the moment was never broken. Not even when you tried to hide from him a bit ashamed of your body only for him to tell you that you were beautiful or him being self-conscious about the scars he got in the accident. You didn’t even know him, yet it felt like you knew him your whole life.

He was special and maybe if you were like anybody else he would even become something to you, something more than he already was. However, you couldn’t let it happen because there was no way that a man like him would ever love you.

And all those thoughts lead you to this moment. You just woke up realizing that you fell asleep which was never your intention, but what fazed you the most was an arm that was holding you pressed close to his chest. It only made you ask yourself why? You couldn’t understand why he would even bother to hold you that close, nobody does that and now you actually realized that you like that. It was comforting, but at the same time, it made you more anxious than you already were. The thoughts that made you feel low were already dancing in your mind and the tears were already dropping onto the sheet. In this moment not even his warm body could bring you back from your thoughts, not even he could calm your breathing that was getting worse with every second that passed by. You felt a bit proud of yourself when you manage to get out of his bed without waking him up or to get dressed while searching for your bag. Your sniffles were silent as you tried to hold the whimpers inside a few escaping your lips. But after few minutes when you finally found yourself outside his doors you let yourself to sit on the ground dropping the content of your bag on the cold ground before you. Your body shook as you tried to grab the pill bottle with your medications. Forcing yourself to swallow two pills without any water you leaned your head against the wall as your legs rested on lower stairs. You felt awful not only because you were in the middle of a panic attack, but because you were leaving behind a guy that you could love if only you tried harder.

* * *

When you came home Alfie was already there waiting for you after Nat brought him back home an hour ago, but you didn’t even give him a second look. Your whole body was doing everything that you needed automatically while your mind wouldn’t stop screaming at you. Dropping your bag to the ground you kept walking to your room. You were already only in your underwear as you let everything else to fall to the ground. Stopping in front of your mirror you reached with your hand to your collarbone and you thought to yourself that maybe if you close your eyes you could still feel his lips on your skin; however, you didn’t close them. You only unclasped your bra and removed your underwear stepping into the shower moment later.

Feeling of the hot water on your body would usually relax you however now it felt like some sort of punishment. Your forehead was pressed against the cold tiled wall the same as your palms as you sobbed quietly. You spent more than an hour in the shower not even noticing when the water turned cold and not even when Alfie started scratching with his claws the door to get to you. There was the feeling deep inside you that made you sadder than you have felt recently. It made you feel broken like something was wrong with you and like nobody would notice if you were gone. But you couldn’t let those thoughts to cage you because you wanted to get better. You needed to get better, if not for yourself than at least for the people that were close to you.

Putting the towel around your body you opened the door for your dog who instantly licked your palms and wouldn’t leave your side the whole time. He could sense that something was wrong and you were grateful for that. You were also grateful that nobody else was now with you because you didn’t want to talk about what happened and Alfie never asked.

* * *

After texting Nat that you won’t be coming to the office today you lay on your couch with Alfie lying next to you.

˝You would like him,˝ you smiled at him while he kept his head on your chest with his nose pressed against your chin.

˝I feel guilty because I just left. That’s a rude thing to do and he didn’t deserve that nobody has. And I just don’t know should I try to apologize to him, or just leave it alone, right. It was a one night stand, I mean. He knew that, he did˝ You kept your eyes on the ceiling while you kept talking not bothered that there was nobody else to give you a response. ˝But did he knew? Yeah, he did. I mean guys like him; Nat told me about guys who look like him. They only date girls that look like cover-girls and nobody else; they only have one night stands with others. I mean I don’t know. Those were Nat’s words, not mine. I know that he will be alright, for sure relieved that I’m not there in the morning. I heard that it can get awkward really soon if you overstay at someone’s place, that never happened to me. You and I Alf, we always leave first or we don’t even show our faces.˝

Alfie exhaled loudly and you moved your hand to his head just to rest it there.

˝And we will be alright, right?˝ After a few moments of silence, you tried to reassure yourself once again.

˝Well, at least until tomorrow then we will ask our psychiatrist.˝ Closing your eyes after that you had a hard time in falling asleep because your thoughts constantly drifted to Bucky you could only hope that the memory of him will fade quickly because you weren’t sure if you could handle something like that right now. **  
**


	4. Chapter 4

Last night was a tough night for you to say at least. The thoughts were keeping you away for longer than was healthy so you had to shut them up by using your prescribed sleeping pills. Mostly you avoided them and that was why the bottle was almost completely full, however sometimes in the moments of weakens; well let’s call it weakness you had to help yourself with them. 

Those pills weren’t miracle workers or something like that they just kept you down for a few hours and that is why you would look like you haven’t slept for days after using them. However, they at least gave you some time to restore your energy and that was needed even for a person like you who rarely got out of her home. 

* * *

And now while you were sitting on the couch at your psychiatrist office with Alfie’s head in your lap and your doctor in the chair across from you, you could see how he observed you. He probably knew that something was wrong before you could even say something because let’s be honest you looked exhausted and it didn’t help you that it was eight in the morning right now on a rainy day.

˝Are you alright?˝ He was leaned closer to you holding his elbows on his thighs while watching you.  

˝That is a complicated question, T. Shouldn’t we start with something easier?˝ You smiled smugly at him loving the way you could mess with him sometimes.

˝You are right it is a complicated question. With what do you want to start today?˝

You played with the edge of the little sock that you put on Alfie so that he wouldn’t spread dirt from his wet paws all over the office. ˝How was the visit?˝

˝You want to waste time here talking about me visiting my family?˝

˝Yeah, that sounds nice.˝ You shrugged and T’Challa leaned back in his chair.

˝Well everyone is alright an-˝

˝But are they tho?˝ You squinted your eyes a bit tilting your head to the side while T’Challa couldn’t stop himself from laughing at your serious face.

˝Alright, so we won’t talk about them. Let’s go straight to the point.˝

˝I bet that is what Nat’s says every night.˝ You murmured under your breath glancing at the window where raindrops were crushing against it.

˝Really? And I thought that you were a shy and innocent girl.˝

˝Who said that? I didn’t, Alfie didn’t, I’m doubting in Natasha.˝ You were glad that you could joke with him for a while before talking about something that is really bothering you. It wasn’t that you didn’t want his help it was that you were ashamed of your actions.

˝What are you avoiding?˝ He was curious and also worried about you. You weren’t just his patient you were also his friend. There was a conflict of him being in a relationship with your best friend, but whenever he would ask you if you were alright with it you would just nod smiling. However, he was aware that the only reason for you admitting that you weren’t comfortable with him any more would be the fact that you would need to find a new psychiatrist and he knew how hard was for you to trust or to open up to other people just like it was in beginning with him.    

˝Life, everything in general.˝ Shrugging you pushed a little cushion from your side to put in on your lap underneath Alfie’s head. You avoided the eye contact with T’Challa lifting your gaze to the bookshelf that was placed next to the window behind the glass table.

˝Let’s be more precise. Did anything happen since the last time you were here?˝ Taking a sip from his cup of coffee he stayed silent waiting for you to answer. He was sure that it couldn’t be something bad because you would then be at home panicking, but it could be even worse if you spent the whole day over-thinking and deciding to come only for him to give you a solution to the problem you were having.

˝I had sex.˝ Your answer was quick and sharp, a bit startling as you could see T’Challa shifting in his chair.

Although you were sometimes straightforward with him in the past it was a bit surprising for him to hear you saying that. You informed him about everything in your life and he knew about your first time, however, he didn’t really see that kind of honesty in the majority of his patients, which wasn’t a good thing because he couldn’t help them if he didn’t know what was troubling them.

Swallowing the lump in his throat he decided to ask more details about it because it was probably your biggest concern at the moment. ˝That’s good, it’s a progress to let somebody that close to yourself. How was it, did you panic or?˝

˝I panicked a little, but he was nice. I fell asleep next to him,˝ a small smile formed on your lips without you noticing it.

˝I’m glad to hear that, so you didn’t cr-˝

˝I did, but only after I woke up. I had to double my dose as you told me to do in extreme situations.˝ Your fingers moved through the fur on Alfie’s head as you tried to stay relaxed while talking about what happened.

˝Why did you cry?˝ He leaned away from the back of his chair studying your face.

˝It wasn’t my bed, you know. There was a stranger next to me and I couldn’t stop thinking about Alfie.˝

˝What do you mean stranger?˝ It was hard for him to believe that you touched a stranger because you weren’t keen off crowded places or of a stranger’s touch. He thought that you were maybe seeing someone and dealing with it on your own, but this was a surprise to him.

˝I had a one night stand; Nat called it a sleepover which has no sense.˝

˝Did Natasha told you to do that?˝ It wasn’t new for him to hear that Natasha forced you to go somewhere where you didn’t want to go or to do something you hated. She thought that she was helping you with doing that, but she wasn’t really helpful because bringing you into stressful situations only made you even more anxious. He and Natasha mostly argue about you because sometimes she is too pushy and it is interfering with every progress that you achieve during therapy.

˝No, yeah, she suggested it. I mean you did that too by telling me to leave my comfort zone.˝

˝Y/N I never meant that you should rush into something I was talking about leaving your home for at least once a day not jumping into bed with a stranger,˝ exhaling slowly T’Challa moved his palm over his face a bit lost. ˝You are aware that you sometimes have difficulties to notice other people’s intentions. So I have to ask you this, are you sure that he didn’t use you or that he was aware it was a one night stand? We talked about you unintentionally hurting other people’s feelings.˝

˝You said that about me using sarcasm not my actions. He didn’t use me and isn’t it the definition of a one night stand sleeping the same night you met and then leaving after it?˝ You nervously moved tips of your fingers against each other trying to stay calm.

˝Well it’s not always like that. Sometimes a relationship can form from that.˝ T’Challa said after a moment of silence wanting you to realize that there is no need for you to stay alone.

˝I am not like you and Nat, I can’t have a relationship. The only relationship I have is with Nat and it is just because of her and not me.˝ Raising your voice Alfie moved his head closer to your lower abdomen pushing his head against you in attempt to calm you.

˝Calm down, I didn’t want to upset you. Breathe in and out.˝ T’Challa stood from his chair stopping in front of you. He was about to reach for you when you lifted your head suddenly with teary eyes.

˝Fuck you and breathing, for all I know you and her could be laughing behind my back for how stupid and weird I am. I want somebody else! Bring me somebody else!˝ Your body was now shaking and the tears were falling uncontrollably. You were so far from calmness that you didn’t even register Alfie who was licking your palms as you sobbed.

˝Alright just calm down I will go see if somebody else is available.˝

T’Challa hated to leave you alone when you were like that, but if the key for you to calm down at the moment was for him to step back he was glad to do it. He cared for you and for your mental health and it hurt him seeing you like that.

 

You couldn’t stop yourself, even after trying T’Challas method. You broke from your sobs hearing the door open. You saw a blurry figure, but your heart almost stopped when you heard who it was.

˝Good morning, my name Eri-˝

˝No,˝ it was the only thing that you could say before bringing your knees to your chest on the couch while Alfie jumped from it.

˝What do you m-˝

˝Tell him to come back!˝ You screamed at him not even looking at him and soon after T’Challa was sitting next to you. His hand was placed around your shoulders and you leaned closer to him.

˝I can’t, I can’t. My schedule changed. I don’t know what to do and you all hate me.˝ Your voice broke many times while you talked. If you were alone you would already take something to calm you down, but now T’Challa was with you and he was sure that he could do it.

˝Nobody hates you.˝ His voice was silent and softer than before as he held you close while Alfie placed his front legs on your knees.

˝You probably say everything to her.˝ You couldn’t force yourself to look at him ashamed that this was happening, you thought that you could control yourself at least a little bit.

˝I don’t tell her anything about my patients. It’s under doctor-patient privilege.˝

˝You don’t?˝  You finally looked up and you could see that he was sincere.

˝No˝

˝But you gave my file to the other doctor.˝ You moved your body away from him to see him, while you were trying to calm down your breathing. Your chest was already hurting you and your throat was sore,

˝I didn’t, I would only do it after you agree on it.˝

˝Alright,˝ you said believing him and seeing this as an opportunity to admit what else was bothering you, you confessed ˝I hate my schedule since she forced me to go to the office and I had to fire my dog walker. I cried half a day because of that. Nat didn’t want to do it instead of me.˝

˝Alright, let’s change it. It will be a trial, you won’t go to the office for at least a week, but you will meet me every morning at the coffee shop near your office. There we will talk like friends, but it will still be under privilege.˝ He had a hopeful smile on his face.

˝And Alfie?˝ Your eyes moved towards your loyal dog.

˝Take him with you, we can sit outside if the rain stops by then and if the week goes well I will talk to Natasha to rather take you to meetings which are not as often as you going to the office and they are close to it. You will also hire your dog walker again and I will be there with you.˝

˝You think that I can do it?˝ You couldn’t believe that he would do all of that for you and it was because you didn’t know that he actually cared for you. And you weren’t aware how proud he was of you for calming down today.

˝I know you can.˝


	5. Chapter 5

If you were to ask Bucky what made him the person who he was today, he could pinpoint the exact moment that made him who he was today. It was the moment that could have end or change his life and it did the latter. He wasn’t a very different man before that moment to those who knew him before and after it, but to himself, he was a changed person. 

He used to be fearless at least while driving especially during races, now he couldn’t even sit in the front of an unmoving car for longer than a few minutes. It’s not only his profession that was changed around four years ago, but it was also the majority of people, those who were his friends abandoned him even his wife. Only two people kept standing beside him, his best friend and the man who saw potential in him, the one who gave him his first car in exchange to drive for him. Now he was distant from people, after moving away he found a job in a restaurant. His mom taught him how to cook it was actually the only thing that he did with his mom until the day she died, the day before the race 24 hours of Le Mans, the day when his life changed. 

* * *

_˝Are you alright, kid?˝_

_Bucky looked away from his gloved hands to the person who believed in him while he doubted himself. ˝I don’t know, Tony. This is….I don’t know if I can do this.˝ Bucky looked at the older man._

_˝Bucky, you shouldn’t even be here right now. I understand that you want to do this for your mother, but I think you should go back to America.˝ Tony looked at Bucky whose eyes were red and puffy from crying with dark circles under them._

_˝I can’t leave you here after everything you have done for me.˝ gripping the helmet tighter in his hand he blankly stared into the distance not wanting to see any disappointment on his mentors face._

_˝But you should. Your head is not in the game, if you go into that car today there is a high chance that you won’t be coming out of it. Your head has to be clear, and not this. Kid, your mom just died, there will be other races. You have years to prove everyone that you are the best, but that day is not today.˝ He knew how much Winnie meant to Bucky, she meant a lot to him too. She was a great mother who sacrificed a lot for her son. She worked two jobs while rising to children from which one was sick. Tony admired her and after taking Bucky under his wing he did anything he could to help Winnie._

_˝I have to do it.˝ Bucky sternly said although he was trying to convince himself and Tony in that._

_˝No, you don’t.˝ Tony placed his palm on Bucky’s shoulder; however, Bucky only stepped back._

_˝You don’t get it, I don’t have anything if I can’t drive.˝ Since he was a kid he had to fight and outsmart other kids and adults to get what he wanted, but driving made him feel like he actually deserved something if he won._

_˝But you will drive just not today.˝_

_˝I will.˝ He raised his voice to show how serious he was because it was something that he had to do. At the moment it didn’t matter to him how many races he won or lost or how many he will. This one mattered the most because before he left America his mom told him that she dreamed about him winning it._

_˝Should you?˝ There was no harshness in his voice or any anger it was a pure concern and partially heartbreak because he has seen what can happen if he is not focused only on the race._

_˝Yes.˝ His response was quick and without any need to think about it although he had his own concerns he had to think about his mother._

_˝How can you be so sure when you can’t stop thinking about your mother? This is 24 hours that we are talking about, you will break or you will literally crash.˝_

_˝I won’t,˝ he didn’t know that, but it was something that he could never let himself to do. It was a promise to his mother that he will win and he couldn’t break his promise as he broke his sisters when he said that she will see him winning the gold. She never did, she died a year before Bucky stared driving professionally, and it didn’t come as a surprise because she was fighting with brain cancer for three years._

_˝If it was any other day, I would agree with you, but it’s not. I’ve seen more races than you ever will, I designed so many cars and I can tell you that every car has its weakness just as the drivers have. Drivers can die here, this is not a video game.˝ He finally raised his voice standing straighter as he pointed at Bucky’s chest._

_˝I’m going.˝_

_˝No, it’s my car, you are my driver and I’m saying no.˝ Tony let his hand fall to his side as he glanced at the car nearby._

_˝You can’t do that.˝_

_˝I can,˝ he shrugged his shoulders deciding that he can’t let him risk his life._

_˝I’m not a kid anymore!˝ Bucky’s face was flushed red as anger flooded through him._

_˝And you won’t be alive if you go out there, you have a family to take care and you have friends, people who care for you.˝_

_˝I don’t. The only thing that I have now is Steve and that fucking car, those friends that you are talking about, where were they when I had nothing when I was at my lowest? And my dear wife has been cheating me for more than a year.˝ His voice cracked, but he tried to let it go. His mother dying brought him to his breaking point, he had nothing left._

_˝Why didn’t you say anything?˝ Tony loved Bucky almost the same as he loved his daughter and it broke him that he never shared that with him. He could only think that he was nothing more to Bucky than a man who could give him brighter future._

_˝So what, that we could bond over our tragic family stories? You should know how much I need this, the same you need your work, we are nothing without it!˝_

_Bucky continued screaming at Tony while people stopped to see what was happening._

_˝I can’t loss another kid˝_

_˝That’s the thing I’m not your kid, you had one and I am not her. I will do this today.˝ He was aware of what he was doing to the only father figure he had, to the man he looked up to, and he couldn’t let himself to disappoint him._

_˝Alright, but if you finish the race don’t bother in finding me.˝ Tony crossed his hands ready to leave as he waited for Bucky to say something._

_˝I won’t˝_

_˝Good luck, you will need it. Now I’m going back to America to bury your mother. Visit her grave when you change your priorities.˝ He glanced final time at Bucky while calling his assistant to buy him the ticket to go back to America. Although he had a bad feeling about what was going to happen, he didn’t stop it from happening because after all Bucky was a grown man now and it was his decision no matter if it was the right one or not. He knew that he and Bucky will have to live with the decisions that they made._

* * *

Bucky never made it to the finish line, he almost died. He was going strong at the beginning, the first few hours were good, but the thoughts of his mother and of what he said to Tony started replaying in his mind. Although it wasn’t completely his mistake if he was focused he would have noticed the car behind him that was coming fast hitting the part of his car close to the tire. His car completely turned hitting the ground with the roof and trapping him inside in the middle of the track while other cars were still passing by him. Even after his car was caught on fire nobody could approach him while the cars were still moving, but soon the part of the track was closed so that they could reach him. He spent a few months in the hospital recovering from his injuries. He had serious burns on the places were his suit tore apart, but that wasn’t what mattered to him. Bucky couldn’t drive anymore not just because of his injuries, but because he couldn’t force himself to do so. Every time when he would start the car he would remember the accident, he suffered from PTSD.

The only person that stood by him was Steve, although Tony never visited him he paid for his treatments and everything he needed, he felt guilty for not stopping him.

After leaving the hospital Bucky went to see Tony and he stayed with him for a few months. Their relationship was never the same, but it was getting to a better place. However the constant talks about races and cars not only from Tony, but the people who worked for Tony drive Bucky insane.

That was why he moved where he was now. He lived in a quiet town where nobody cared or even knew about him and his accident and it felt like he could start over.

However he was wrong, it wasn’t the simplest thing to do. He did find a job, and he did make a few new friends, but nothing felt right and it was like that for more than a few years. Something changed, it sounded cliché, but he saw a girl that picked an interest in him. He never talked to her, he never saw her up close, but he couldn’t stop thinking about her. He would see her every day while walking to the restaurant where he worked and every day she was in the building on his way just sitting there with a dog next to her. He always wondered why was she sitting there or about what was she thinking about and that simple thoughts quickly became more. She became more to him. She was a constant and someone who could make him smile although she never even noticed him, however, nothing can last forever and that broke Bucky once again. He made another mistake with rushing into things and now when he would go to work there wouldn’t be anyone sitting close to the window, there was no girl or her dog, nothing.


	6. Chapter 6

It’s been two weeks since you and T’Challa agreed to change your schedule. You were getting better a bit less stressed than usual. There were still a lot of things that made you anxious, but not going to the office every day actually gave you more time to relax. However now when you weren’t going to the office anymore you had to go to at least three meetings per week. It was stressful to meet with new people, but Natasha was always there so it wasn’t so bad, the only thing that wasn’t good about it was that Alfie wasn’t allowed into the restaurants or wherever the meeting took place. 

It was mostly meetings with couples that wanted you to plan their wedding and it wasn’t really hard, but it could be pretty annoying especially when the couples would get too touchy. Although that kind of things made you extremely uncomfortable there was something on your mind that was helping you to move past it. Something major was happening in your life and you needed to make a decision about it sooner the better, but you never mentioned anything to Natasha or to T’Challa. It was something new, just a few days ago you found out about it and now you had to decide if you were ready to change your life again.

* * *

The meetings actually weren’t that bad, you would just be there write some things down and in about an hour you would be on your way back home. You thought that this time will be the same however it wasn’t.

You were only sitting for a few minutes at the small restaurant that was close to your office with Natasha on your left and the couple in front of you. Everything was going alright until you looked up from your paper locking your eyes with the familiar ones. Your heart almost stopped as you stared at him for a moment until your chest started to hurt and it got hard to breathe. You didn’t even take your things or excuse yourself before walking out the door.

Leaning against the wall you tried to calm your breathing. You couldn’t believe that it was happening since the day in T’Challa’s office you had everything under control, but seeing Bucky changed that.  

˝What happened?˝ Natasha’s voice brought you back to the street.

˝I can’t breathe,˝ your voice was raspy as the harsh air cut your throat with every shaky breath you took.

˝Where is your bag.˝ Natasha asked holding her hands on your shoulders.

˝Inside,˝ you managed to say and Natasha left you second later going back inside.

˝Did I do something wrong?˝

The voice came from in front of you, but you didn’t even notice anyone there as your head was hanging low trying to focus on anything on the ground.  

˝What?˝ Looking up you could see that Bucky was already staring at you and it made you feel more guilty than before.

˝You just le…,˝ Bucky stopped himself noticing that you were having a hard time breathing. ˝Are you alright?˝

Shaking your head, you could see Nat approaching in the corner of your eye and you relaxed a bit.

˝Here,˝ Nat already took out your pills offering you with a glass of water from the restaurant while your bag was hanging from her shoulder.  ˝Just breathe.˝

Bucky kept standing there observing you. He didn’t know what to say or what to do, so he did nothing.

After what seemed both too you and Bucky like infinity Natasha spoke.

˝Are you going to be alright˝

You only nodded forcing a smile on your face as she offered you your bag that you took not even sparing her a glance.

˝Do you want me to walk you home?˝ Bucky offered, but you shut him down.

You were already ready to leave when Natasha stopped you by gripping your wrist.

˝Stop and breath, you are not going until you calm down, you don’t want the same thing to happen like the last time.˝ Natasha warned and you let out a sigh knowing that she was right, but you didn’t want to stick around long enough for Nat to connect the dots in who Bucky is.

Furrowing his brows Bucky listened to your conversation with your friend. ˝What happened?˝

˝Car hit me,˝ you said under your breath.

˝How di-˝ Before he could even ask you anything else you glanced around, ready to leave.

˝I need Alfie,˝ you avoided Bucky’s gaze wanting to move as further as you could from him.

˝Can we talk?˝ Bucky asked and after you nodded Natasha left, after making sure that you were alright.

˝Why did you leave?˝

˝It was a one night stand, you are supposed to leave.˝ You said it quietly still with raspiness in your voice as you tugged onto the strap of your bag.

˝But I thought that-˝

˝No, I don’t do relationships, believe me, it’s better like that.˝ If you had even looked at him for a second you would see the disappointment on his face.  However you made sure not to look at him, he was a part of the past although it was only two weeks. You knew that you can’t lead him on, or give him any kind of hope because you were a lot even to yourself and you didn’t want to burden anybody else with your problems.

˝Can’t I be the-˝ Again you interrupted him wanting for the conversation to be over.

˝No, I have to go.˝ Before he could say anything else you walked away from him putting your headphones on hurrying back home.

* * *

You were genuinely interested in Bucky, he seemed as a good man, but you just couldn’t let him be close to you and honestly, you didn’t even know why he would want to get to know you. Your whole life you spent mostly indoors or on the side watching as the other kids or young people were living their lives normally as you had so many problems while having a simple conversation with anybody. When your father finally came back to your life you felt like you could breathe again, he was actually the only person with whom you felt normal and with whom you could joke and have fun or simply be normal. But at the moment he wasn’t there, your father lived in another city far away from you and now you had only Alfie with you.

˝I saw Bucky today,˝ you said while lying on your stomach with your dog on the carpet in the living room. ˝He thought that we could be more˝ you scoffed turning on your back. ˝Nobody can handle my problems there are too many and I can’t even handle them, but he thought that he could be something more. I don’t understand it, Alf, we just had sex nothing more.˝

You moved your fingers along Alfie’s head while he moved his nose closer to your face.

˝I have been keeping a secret from you. Dad called again, he is now trying to play the guilt card for me to move in his house. Pepper left him, we saw that coming Alf, I told him and he didn’t listen. Now he says that he is constantly alone and that he would like me to come there as he has been doing for years, but my only question is why didn’t we left sooner? There is nothing that is keeping me here. I can work from there, I already need a new psychiatrist, I mean let’s be honest I can’t keep talking to T, it’s not fair. I don’t want for him to lie to Nat because of me.˝

Exhaling loudly you continued your monolog. ˝Mom is dead and we hate her, Nat is getting marring and you love to swim. I also love to swim although I never did in the ocean so that would be nice. But on the other hand, am I just leaving because I don’t want to confront Bucky, I mean it is stupid. I’m running from my problems again. It did work the first time, so it could work now, right?˝

And that day you made your decision, of course, you were completely sure after an awful trip to your grocery shop. They didn’t let you take your dog inside and you felt so bad that you just left your cart in the middle of the store running outside. That was the final thing that made you move away. You just couldn’t be surrounded with people who couldn’t understand that you needed your dog close to you in every minute and you were tired of that and the fact that you weren’t able to do a simple thing without overthinking.


	7. Chapter 7

You hated to move, there were so many possibilities of losing something on the way or forgetting something after you have already left. It made you even more stressed and anxious, but you were trying to get through it the fastest you could knowing that things will go better once when you move. You and your father had a pretty tight relationship over these few years since he came back into your life and you were grateful for it, but you were sad because he missed so many things. It wasn’t maybe the most exciting things in the world, but there were some moments in your life when you wished that your dad was standing by your side being proud of you. He was actually the only person that made sure that you know how important you are. 

Natasha wasn’t happy to hear that you were moving away, but you couldn’t really tell if it was because she will miss you or something else because it would be selfish from her if it was anything else because taking these step was healthy for you.

However you had to admit that you were doing that step, mostly because it wasn’t for a good reason, it was partially, but it was also an opportunity to escape from the problems you created. But nothing of that mattered in the moment when you saw your father waiting for you with the biggest smile on his face. All your problems got forgotten at that moment because they didn’t matter anymore. You always wanted a peaceful and normal life and now you saw the opportunity for it and you welcomed it with your arms open.

* * *

˝You alright, kid?˝ Tony asked as your head was laid on the glass table covered with papers on which you were working until ten minutes ago.

˝I’m tired.˝ You said while yawning not even bothering to lift your almost limp hand to cover your mouth as your eyes stayed closed.

˝You should sleep.˝ He said shuffling his papers to the side of the table turning towards you with his elbow on it.

˝So should you.˝ You said while smirking knowing how this conversation will go.

˝You are right.˝ He leaned against his opened palm moving his other hand to your hair moving the strands on your face.

˝Of course I am.˝ Moving your hand in front of your face you slapped his hand so that he would stop teasing you as your body was more and more leaning in the chair.

˝You are smug˝ Placing his hand on your chair he turned it around, but not quickly, not wanting for you to fall.

Flinching in your chair you almost fall to the ground while grumpily mumbling. ˝So are you.˝

˝You going to bed, sleepyhead?˝

After you sat comfortably in your big office chair you placed your elbows on your knees with your chin resting on your hands and your dad copied your movements staring at your bloodshot eyes, he could only guess that his eyes were as red as yours.

˝Well, I could.˝ You said before letting a long breath not breaking the eye contact.

˝Alfie is already asleep in your bed, you should go to.˝

˝Should I really, or we could talk about what are you keeping from me?˝ You smiled triumphantly as he leaned back in his chair closing his eyes for a moment. ˝Come on, old man, just tell me. I’ve been here for two months. I’m good you can tell me anything.˝ You said confidently, but quickly adding more to your speech. ˝As long as it doesn’t include illness or death, you know mine or yours. That would really make my day a bit worse.˝

˝You do know that it’s night. The day is over.˝

˝Was that the news, fantastic.˝ You were ready to get up from your chair but you stopped when he grabbed your hand to keep you down.

˝It’s serious, right.˝ The tone of your voice dramatically changed as he took a deep breath before talking.

˝There will be a celebrat-˝

˝Oh, God no, no, no and no.˝ You were on your feet knowing what he will ask you next.

˝I would really want you there next to me. I’ve been in the car business for thirty years and they want to make a celebration and you are all I have.˝ He sank further into his chair keeping his gaze on you.

˝You are playing the daughter card.˝ You pointed out while shifting from one foot to the other.

˝The daughter card?˝ He asked moving his fingers against the glass surface while watching your every move.

˝You know! The sympathy card, that just because you are my father I have to do something.˝ You explained while raising your voice a bit higher.

˝I would never do that. But I would like to have my daughter next to my side.˝ He said teasingly saying the word daughter louder than the rest of the sentence.

˝You are an asshole.˝ Crossing your arms you said it casually not bother what he has to say anymore.

˝So are you, but the life goes on.˝ He shrugged making you smile. He actually loved the relationship that you both had it wasn’t like other fathers and daughter you were actually friends, best friends. You always talked about everything and you helped each other with everything.

˝Ha ha ha…˝

˝I know that you are using this behavior only because you are scared.˝

˝I’m not scared I just hate crowds and being formal and a lot of other things that you are aware of.˝ You would tell him everything on your list if he didn’t know it already and there was really a lot of things that you were actually trying to get over with, but you weren’t really succeeding and it didn’t help you that you started working with your father because now you would leave the house only to go to your new psychiatrist and to walk with Alfie to the beach that was a few steps away from the house.

˝I know, but I wouldn’t ask you if this wa-˝ Before he could finish his sentence you were already standing in front of him.

˝No, dad, I know that this is important to you. But I don’t think that I can do it and Alfie can’t go there.˝

˝Well he could.˝ He kept his voice low but avoiding your eye as if he was being punished by his parents.

˝Dad, I wished that I could go, but we both know that I am not capable to do that.˝

˝Than it’s a good thing that it will be in our house.˝ He didn’t dare to look at you knowing that your lips are probably pressed into a thin line as you glared at him.

˝Here? Dad, come on. You could give me some kind of warning now I need more time to think of a good reason to not to come.˝ You partially joked trying not to think what it will mean for you if you will have to be there.

˝Very funny, however, I want you to meet my closest friends. I talk about you every day and they don’t even know how you look.˝ He reached for your hand looking like a puppy while begging for you to be there.

˝That’s not my fault.˝

˝You hate being on photos and I don’t let people come to the house anymore.˝ He didn’t want for it to come out like it was your fault, but mostly it was.

˝Well that is just….completely true. I can’t promise you that I will do it, but I will try, but only if I don’t have to go shopping.˝ You pulled him up to his feet hugging him and staying like that for a few minutes.

˝You can give me your measurements and a design choice and it will be made for you. ˝ He said before kissing the top of your head.

˝Yeah, alright, but Alfie needs a bow tie.˝ You murmured into his shirt and he smiled while pulling you closer.

˝Alright, I can arrange that.˝


	8. Chapter 8

It’s already been an hour since you should have come out of your room to go meet the guests and to stand beside your father, however, you were still doing the same thing as in past hour and a half, you were overthinking. You knew how much this meant to your father but you were sure that he will understand if you don’t show up. 

Alfie was lying on the ground beside you where you were sitting in the dark blue dress that your father brought you. It was a simple long dress with sleeves and some silver details on it. You tugged the soft material as you had your eyes closed wanting to get up to stand with your father. You could hear the guests downstairs and the music that was playing in the background the same as laughter and generally happiness something that you could never feel in crowds.

After an hour more you finally stood up from the ground only to sit down on your bed and put socks on your bare feet. Your dad didn’t insist on you to have some fancy shoes and that’s why you were putting on your favorite boots after closing the door of your room and taking the leash that you had to put on Alfie so that you don’t lose him in the crowd. You rarely use it because he always listens to you.

Walking down the stairs your eyes moved from one guest to another until you saw your father, however, he was talking to a few people at the moment and quickly you felt eyes on you after taking two more steps. You stopped immediately only to see people glancing at you and your dog and quickly turning their heads to their friends to comment. You hate it, the constant judgment and gossips and as quick as you came down you moved through the crowd not even glancing their way and despairing through the front door.

˝I hate it, Alf, I hate it so much,˝ the tears were rolling down your cheek one by one as you stared into the distance. The sun was already gone replaced with a full moon that was shining down on the calm sea. Waves were slowly crushing against the shore and your bare feet as you cried with nobody around you except the lights and the noise that was coming out of your house.

˝Every time, I hear them when they talk about me. They always called me a freak and I usually don’t care, but those people they work with my dad. Now they will judge him for having a child like me. I shouldn’t have come down, that was a fucking mistake. I don’t want dad to feel like it’s his fault for what they are saying about me. It’s always been hard to explain to people what’s wrong with me, ‘cause it’s a lot of things Alfie, I’m just a burden. ˝

You walked further into the water just wanting to feel something except the gentle breeze against your skin. The cold water was inviting although Alfie’s barking disturbed the calmness of the night you kept walking feeling the sand between your toes.

Alfie was following behind you until it got too deep for him to stand so he stayed back barking for you to come back; however, you didn’t instead you took a deep breath before disappearing below the surface. 

 

* * *

Tony wanted for you to be next to him, but after you didn’t show up in the first hour he felt disappointed, although he understood. He decided that he will check on you in a few minutes. Before he could excuse himself from the conversation he saw you standing on the staircase and a smile formed on his face. However seeing the discomfort on you his smile dropped and before he could move towards you, you were already gone. He could hear people whispering about you and laughing at your behavior and it hurt him, he only wanted to comfort you at that moment and he would if he wasn’t stopped by one of the men who used to work with him.

˝Was that girl you daughter?˝ There was a grin on his lips as he was amused by that information.

˝Yes,˝ Tony was quick to answer but that only caused the other man to laugh. ˝ Is that information amusing you?˝ Tony asked harshly staring at the older man.

˝Well, you have to admit that she is weird.˝ He said it as a matter of fact not bothered about the consequences of his words. He was a bit proud of himself seeing as Tony was getting angrier by second.

˝Weird? You never met her.˝ He knew that people were already staring, but it wasn’t anything new for him and Pierce to argue.

˝Yeah, because she never leaves her house. What does she even do, sits on her ass the whole day? She is a spoiled brat.˝ He took a sip from his glass, watching Tony’s every move as the expansive liquid slide down his throat.

˝Is that what you think? I mean you would know with raising two boys that never worked a day in their life.˝

˝My boys work with me.˝ He said a bit louder so that others who were ear-dropping could hear.

˝You don’t even work, people do everything instead of you.˝ He pointed out as his gaze moved towards the front doors that he noticed were opened. He could guess that it could be anyone from the guests who let them open, however, something inside him told him it was you.

˝Well at least my child is not a freak.˝

Tony was ready to punch smirk from his face but he was stopped. The anger was radiating from him as he was held back.

˝Leave us alone, Pierce.˝ Bucky said while still holding Tony back. He was aware that if he didn’t stop Tony that nobody would, people around him were the kind of people that like to gossip about anything and everything not caring if it would ruin anybody’s life.

˝Of course your golden boy has to save the day.˝ Pierce said before turning away from them.

˝You alright?˝ Bucky finally let go of Tony waiting for him to calm down.

˝Get that idiot out of my house!˝ Tony yelled pointing at Pierce and not long after a man from his security escorted Pierce out.

˝What did he do?˝ Bucky was worried about Tony. Since today he hasn’t seen or talked to him for a while and he didn’t know what was happening in his life. He could only hope that Tony was alright.

˝They all talk shit about her, just because she is different, but they don’t get it that she is like me.˝ Tony’s eyes were focused on the now closed doors as he talked under his breath not even bothering to look at Bucky.

˝Who are you talking about?˝ Bucky was confused not knowing what could make him so angry to actually wanting to punch someone on his own event.

˝Y/N, my daughter, she just came downstairs with Alfie and t-˝ Tony glanced at the younger man but was interrupted by him.

˝Alfie?˝ Bucky was already connecting the dots.

˝Her dog.˝ He said as if Bucky should have already known that.

˝Oh, God..˝ Bucky moved fingers through his hair multiple times as Tony looked at him suspiciously.

˝What, what’s wrong?˝

˝I think that I know your daughter.˝ He said not thinking before answering.

˝I’m not surprised because I told you to move to the same town she lived, because she told me it was peaceful and you needed that.˝ Tony ‘s voice was calm as his expression softness.  ˝Do you also think that she is weird?˝

˝No, she is actually the only person with whom I connected after the accident.˝ His words were honest, although he wasn’t even sure why was he saying that to Tony.

˝She never mentioned you when we talked.˝

˝We….it’s..I-˝ He couldn’t form the sentence no matter how hard he tried because he didn’t want to upset Tony.

˝Let me guess Natasha told her to sleep with you.˝ Surprisingly to Bucky Tony kept his voice calm.

˝How would y-˝

˝She hates meeting new people and she told me that she was with someone and taking in the consideration that you are feeling uncomfortable since you found out she is my daughter.˝ His answer was quite simple, but to Bucky, it was hard to understand that he wasn’t mad at him at all.

˝Wait, but what do you think that somebody told her to do so?˝ His heart tightened in his chest hoping that it meant something else than he was already thinking.

˝Her friend suggested that to her. Y/N doesn’t really start any conversation only if she has to. I should talked to her.˝

˝Tony this your celebration I can talk to her.˝ Bucky said after Tony moved toward the doors.

˝She is my daughter she will always be more import-˝ Tony stopped himself as he heard a familiar sound, but he couldn’t place it because of all the noise around him  ˝Do you hear that?˝  

Bucky didn’t hear anything but soon he saw realization on Tony’s face and a second after Tony was hurrying towards the front door with Bucky following behind.


	9. Chapter 9

It was getting harder for Tony to breathe as he grabbed your body from the water. Laying you on the sand Tony completely froze. He couldn’t move from his knees next to your limp body as his eyes stared down at you. Never in his life, had time stopped for him as it did now. 

There was fear deep inside him that couldn’t let him move his muscles that fear shut out the whole world for him except you. The only thing that he could think about was that he was losing the most important person in his life, again. He didn’t notice your loyal dog that was licking your face to try to wake you up neither did he notice Bucky who was trying to bring you back with CPR.

* * *

_˝Daddy, catch me!˝ You said before jumping from your bed. You were five years old so it wasn’t a surprise that a few of your teeth were missing as your voice was a bit stranger than usual._

_˝I got you,˝ Tony caught you before your legs could hit the ground and you yelled victoriously._

_˝You got me,˝ you giggled happily as your father spin you around._

_˝Yes, I got you, sweetheart. I will always catch you.˝ Tony meant it when he said it; it was more of a promise than anything else. You were the light in his life and he would always catch you, at least he thought so._

* * *

_˝Dad can we stay, please?˝ your voice was quiet and broken as you stared at your father through your watery eyes. You were eight years old and you couldn’t stop the fear that didn’t let you calm down._

_˝ You promised your mom that you will go to school today.˝ Tony’s arm was around your shoulders as he was sitting beside you on the ground._

_˝I..I..they hate me,˝ you cried out letting your head to fall on your knees._

_˝They don’t hate you, nobody hates you.˝ His heart was breaking every time when you would say something like that. He knew that kids can be cruel, but he hated himself for even agreeing with Maria to make you go to that school. Although he knew that this kind of things could happen in any school he hoped that it wouldn’t happen at least not to you._

_˝They do because I’m a freak.˝_

_˝You are not,˝ he stopped after he saw that your head was still low so he gently lay his hand on your knees so that you would look up. ˝You are not a freak, you are my kid. You are just a bit different and people don’t like when somebody is different, alright.˝_

_˝I don’t think so, dad.˝ You silently sad rubbing your eyes with the back of your hand._

_˝Believe me, I’m not lying. I promise you, kid, one day you will see that its good to be different.˝_

_˝Really?˝ There was a hopeful glimmer in your eyes and only thing that Tony could do was to nod and smile at you before hugging you._

* * *

But no matter how good intentions we have sometimes promises get broken and lives destroyed. Sometimes time breaks us even more so that we are barely standing on our feet. You were barely standing on your feet for years, although you were trying to feel better than you were actually feeling you would fail because every time when you would look in the mirror there was somebody else looking at you. You wished that you were better; you wished that you were healthier, but the person who was looking at you didn’t seem as if they were even trying. It seemed like you would look at the child that was locked inside the room filled with their worst fears and that was your life; every day when you would walk outside your fears would creep behind every corner, they would follow you and you couldn’t do anything about it, but you were never the one who would give up. And that night when your father pulled you out of the water you weren’t giving up, you were running away. You needed something pure and calm around you so you stepped forward going further and further and before you could notice how far you went it was too late.

You admired the ocean since you were a child you saw greatness in it and you saw no fear, but after the waves got higher and after you were pulled below the surface you felt fear and for the first time in your life you actually were scared that you will never take another breath.

Tony couldn’t compose himself not even if he tried. His hand was tightly holding yours as you were still on the wet sand with your body cold and your arm limp. He couldn’t stop his brain from replaying old memories, of replaying promises that he broke. He couldn’t stop feeling as he failed you and not once or twice, but your whole life. When you needed him he wasn’t there, when you fell he wasn’t there to pick you up or to tell you that everything will be alright. He wasn’t there, he wasn’t for years and now when he was it seemed as it didn’t matter if he was there or not because he couldn’t do anything to protect you. He would give his life for you, although now it seems like you were giving your life away. But he couldn’t understand why? He didn’t know if it was your choice or if it was an accident, however, he knew that it would hurt the same whatever happened. And after all, it didn’t matter, what really mattered to him was for you to open your eyes. He wanted to see the colors in them and that rare spark; he had to see them because now it felt like he could die as well if you don’t open them. He had nothing except you and only thing that he needed now was for you to open your eyes.

_So will you open them?_


	10. Chapter 10

There were many things that scared you in your life and you always thought that you already lived through your most painful fear however that was until the moment you woke up on the way to the hospital. You were lying down with somebody’s hand holding yours and a breathing mask on your face. A dull sound of the siren was fading in the back of your mind as your eyes were frantically searching for your father. You were scared, terrified and you couldn’t believe that you let yourself to be that careless and to let the ocean to almost kill you. Your body was shivering and tears were sliding on the side of your face and you could feel yourself panicking.

“Y/N?” Tony asked squeezing your hand tighter. He was watching your eyes opening and closing frantically as your pupils were trying to adjust to the light. “Y/N, can you hear me?” Tony asked again while the paramedic on your other side was checking on your vitals and took a little light in his hand to check your eyes.

The paramedic had to stop you from removing the mask but you still managed to pull it down for a few moments.

“I’m sorry,” you cried out and Tony smiled sadly at you.

Tony moved his hand to your head softly moving his fingers to calm you as you continued to sob and apologize.

“It was an accident, I’m so sorry,” it was last you had time to say before the mask was put back in its place. You could see from where you were that your father was crying, his eyes were bloodshot and you felt guilty.

“It’s alright, you will be fine,” Tony was saying while he kept his eyes on you. He thought that he lost you and he felt responsible, he felt as he wasn’t doing enough for you. Tony could only see this accident as him disappointing you again, as him failing to protect you. He couldn’t save you although he knew with what you were dealing and he couldn’t completely understand it as he didn’t know it himself in such a drastic way that you did. However he had to do better, he had to help you I any way possible and he shouldn’t have asked you to be there tonight. It was his fault that you were now scared, it was him who put you in that position and he didn’t even know why. Tonight Pierce reminded him how much he actually hates most of the people he works with and that he always had to pretend while the only person with whom he could be himself was you.

* * *

It’s been three days since the accident, three days since you failed yourself, three days since your father and Alfie almost lost you and it was three days since Bucky had saved you. And during all those three days you wanted to talk to him, you wanted to thank him, but you didn’t know how. Your father told you who he was to him and you were grateful that at least he was there for your father while you weren’t. No matter that you wanted to speak to him, you haven’t done it yet as for you it would be too strange and uncomfortable. It wasn’t that you knew that you would feel like that as you didn’t feel uncomfortable with him the night you met, but you guessed that after everything you did it would be like that. Your father told you that Bucky wasn’t a bad guy and that he would never make you feel like one and he even offered that he could talk to him for you but you refused as you told him that you will do it yourself and still you were waiting for that day to arrive.  

* * *

Since the day you almost drowned you found yourself with Alfie on the beach more often. You would come and sit on the sand while staring at the water, but never touching it. You would stay there for a few hours, Alfie would sometimes go for a swim close to the shore, but you never even though about joining him as to you it seemed as if you would then be challenging the ocean as if you were daring it to try to kill you again as you survived the first time and you didn’t want that. You didn’t want to die although sometimes you felt like it, you knew that there were things in life worth living for and you held onto them. You held onto the relationship you had with your dad just as onto Alfie who made you smile every day. You had reasons that were more real people than actually a deeper meaning of something and just as you had them and Nat you thought that you could try to have one more. You weren’t sure in what way, but you managed to talk yourself into at least trying and that was the reason why you and Alfie were at the moment on the beach.

“Hey,” Bucky said silently as he approached you.

“Hi,” you smiled while looking up at him and shielding your eyes from the sun. You gestured for him to sit next to you and he did so while leaving space between you two. The moment he sat own your gaze moved to the horizon while your hand was back on Alfie’s head which was in your lap. You didn’t know what to say and it seemed that he didn’t know as well so you sat in silence for a while with only the sound of crashing waves against the shore and a few seagulls flying around.  

“I was never scared of it,” you admitted suddenly and Bucky tilted his head to look at you.  “The ocean was something I admired; people usually admire birds because they are a symbol of freedom but to me its ocean. Although it’s restricted by land it can destroy it, it’s powerful, its calm and it can be dangerous even unpredicted as people, but I never thought it could hurt me as people can. I never thought that one day it will make it hard for me to breath and it did just that.” While you were talking still focused on the ocean, Bucky was listening to every word you said looking at the side of your face.

“What I’m trying to say is that just as it hurt me, maybe there are people out there with whom I could be comfortable. And I was comfortable with you,” you said finally shifting your gaze to him. “I will forever be grateful to you for saving me, but I will always regret leaving you that morning,” you smiled sadly at him.

“When I was younger your dad told me about you, he would constantly talk about you and I always wanted to meet you. He was always saying how proud he was and as he was the only father figure in my life I wanted for him to be proud of me too. I have to admit that I was jealous of you and as I remember the day we met I could finally see how right he was. You are smart and good-hearted and what I love the most about you is that you are a survivor. None of the people that talk ill about you know how hard things can get sometimes when you are different, they don’t know and that’s why you never let anyone close, right? ” Bucky asked you searching for a confirmation.

“There is always a constant feeling of me not being enough or burdening someone, it’s easier to be by myself. It is easier when you don’t have to stress about the simplest thing as in trying to figure out if somebody really wants to be your friend, if they hate you, if they are just using you and if they will just throw you away as if you worth nothing.”

“There are always some that will fit everything bad you think about people, but not everyone is like that. I never had many people in my life only my mom, sister, my best friend and your father who were really there for me. Others would come and go, and only they would stay.” Bucky said before lowering his head as the loss of his family was still fresh to him. He never let himself to heal properly.

“And are you planning to stay?” you asked silently almost as a whisper with your eyes on Alfie as you were more than sure that rejection was coming your way.

“Would you like me to?” Bucky asked softly and your gaze shifted to him surprised at his words.

“I think that Alfie already likes you,” you said while smiling before continuing. “So I think that I could get to know you.”

“I would love that,” it was the last thing Bucky said before a comfortable silence enveloped the both of you. You stayed there as the sun was setting down and when it was time to leave you both find yourself closer to each other than earlier and both of you smiled at each other before heading to your house hand in hand and with Alfie happily walking in front of you.


End file.
